There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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