grandma shit on top of the toilet
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
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I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
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I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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