my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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