my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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