you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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