Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
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