dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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