We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
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