this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
