He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
