Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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