i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
