An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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