My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
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my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
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The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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