So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Randomize
