his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
