Yo dont text me then not text me
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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