my phone needs a breathalizer
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
