Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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