suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
