I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
