Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
