oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
