You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
