Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
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Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
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I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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