Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
