the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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