why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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