the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Randomize
