Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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