I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Randomize
