Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Nobody cheats on THIS.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
