I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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