I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
