Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
