Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
