I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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