Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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