Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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