got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
