Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
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