I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
