So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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