Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
