You're my little dorito
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
