I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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