Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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