if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
