the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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