I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Randomize
