John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
