Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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