If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
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