my phone needs a breathalizer
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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