Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
