But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
