he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
